There are lots of ways to look at
conversations and discussions. One way is to
categorize conversations as being either
"good faith" conversations, or "bad faith"
conversations. What we want to do is be
party to the former, and try to avoid the
latter, since bad faith conversations are
the ones that cause bad feelings,
frustration and anger, and don't tend to be
useful in solving problems.
A good faith conversation
occurs when both people act in ways that
move the conversation to solving the problem
being discussed, with a sincere desire to
address THAT problem, and not other things.
For example, in a conversation about taking
out the garbage, a couple might work to
decide whose responsibility it is, and how
to make sure it gets done. Good faith
conversations involve good listening, asking
questions and a legitimate desire to work
together and not control or coerce the other
person.
A bad faith conversation
might include statements like "You never
take out the garbage", or "Why are you
dumping all this on me". Notice that these
aren't really linked to the issue of the
CURRENT garbage issue but to other
underlying issues and feelings. Those
underlying issues might be very important,
but they are a different conversation.
At any point either
conversational partner can move the
conversation to a bad faith conversation.
So, two things are important. That 1) you
understand the methods YOU might be using to
move conversations into the bad faith arena
and 2) you be alert to the other person
doing so, so you can avoid being pulled into
a possibly costly and disruptive
conversation.
One of the most
interesting aspects regarding the
conversational tactics we'll introduce you
to (called conversational cons) is that we
ALL use some of them some of the time.
That's because they are natural and normal
and acquired at the same time we learn
language as children. So, even though people
may be good and well intentioned, they will
use these disruptive techniques,
particularly when feelings run high.
Conversational Cons
Conversational "Cons" are
the linguistic tactics, questions and
statements that tend to obscure, or hide the
issue under discussion, or create in the
other person one ore more of the following:
We've identified 18
common "cons". Below are just a few. As you
read them, you'll probably smack yourself in
the forehead because you'll immediately
recognize that people use them on you
regularly, and you probably use them on
others!
The Sympathy/Pity Con:
An attempt to appeal to the other person's
compassion to get the other person to give
in. Common in children, but also used by
adults, an example would be: "All my friends
get to stay out late and they make fun of me
so can I...” If you have kids you know this
one.
The Common Sense Con:
What does it mean when someone says: "Well,
its common sense, you know"? Usually it
means they don't know how to support their
position, so they fall back to this
completely empty statement. What's common
sense (or obvious) is subjective. The "con"
here is that the person saying this hopes
the other person will be intimidated by this
or thinks them stupid. It almost never works
but it sure creates anger.
Same Thing, Different
Words Con: An almost comical con used by
people who don't quite realize they haven't
a leg to stand on. Involves trying to
convince by saying the exact same thing in
different words, and pretending that's
evidence.
You Do It Too Con:
Often used in arguments between spouses, the
logic of this attempt is that since YOU do
the same bad thing, that it's OK for me to
do the same or similar bad thing. For
example: "Hey, don't complain about me
leaving my underwear in the living room. You
do it with your pantyhose". Or, "Well, yeah,
I drink too much but you smoke like a
chimney".
That's a quick sampling.
The purpose in learning about these is to
reduce your use of them, and be prepared
when others use them.
The best defense against
having your conversation go bad faith is to
make sure you don't enter into the game that
is being played out in these attempts to
derail the conversation. The point then is
to move conversations back to a
problem-solving mode.
Post your comments at
amin@aiminlines.co.th
Copyright © 2014 AIM Inlines. All rights reserved.
No portion of this web site may be used or
reproduced in any manner
whatsoever without written permission, except in the
case of brief quotations
embodied in critical articles and reviews. |
Back to Articles
| Top of the Page
|